I'm lonely, I'm free

my dear lady

I have always wanted to write the story of the eldest lady, but I don't know where to start.

Missy has passed away for many years. When she was alive, I was a kid who had just entered school. In my impression, she is very serious every day and never smiles. Her hair is always neatly combed back into a small bun, which is covered with a black gauze. She likes to wear a slanted jacket with plain colors and dark flowers, with a small handkerchief pinned to her left side. She occasionally takes the handkerchief out and holds it in her hand when she speaks, and shakes it slightly. She would also hold the handkerchief over her cheek and dab it gently around her forehead, eyebrows and eyes.

At that time, I always wondered: what is she rubbing? I didn't see her runny nose.

The eldest lady is not tall, and I heard that she was very thin when she was young, and now she has shrunk even more, looking thin and boned, so she walks very fast, like a breeze. Our family treated her very well, and once took her to my house for a short stay, and sent me to accompany her for a walk. Go for a walk, just take a walk, children don't know how to follow the rules when walking, of course I jumped up and down, and quickly ran in front of the eldest lady. This is terrible, the young lady from behind actually came towards me, and rushed to me in front of me, just a few steps away. Her actions like this made my heart itch, I grinned, and prepared to rush up to compete with her. Before her legs hit the ground, the eldest lady turned her head and said flatly, "Follow me."

When I heard the order, I froze in place and opened my mouth wide. What is she doing? Seeing that I couldn't react for a while, she slowed down in front of her, shaking her body from side to side, and the little wind just now disappeared. When I grew up, I recalled that the slinky back was a bit of the elegance of a lady in the Republic of China, not like an old man over 70 years old at all. After all, I was quick-witting, so I didn't care what she told me, and even more dissatisfied with being preempted by an old lady, I wanted to follow her slowly, so I trotted forward and overtook her. Not to be outdone, the eldest lady still passed me with a gust of wind. In this way, the two of us chased after each other, making our heads sweat profusely. I sat down on the ponytail in front of the small roadside shop, and refused to leave no matter what. The eldest lady slowly sat down on the bench next to me, took off her handkerchief and wiped her sweat, then giggled. I turned to look at her, and it was amazing how she could just laugh without changing the seriousness on her face.

After all, she was old, and the strenuous exercise on this road still exhausted the young lady, but she was not out of breath, just panting slightly, and asked the boss to open a bottle of orange juice soda. She didn't ask me, didn't even look at me, she just raised her head slightly and drank in small sips. Watching her drink soda, I can only feel anxious. Under the anger, my face became even redder, white air was suffocated on my forehead, and sweat dripped down drop by drop. Many years later, even more amazing memories emerged, because I saw even more amazing scenes, and I was immediately dumbfounded and puzzled—she could control the amount of each sip so evenly, it didn’t look like she was drinking in the same way. Instead of soda, drink it as you would a cup of tea or wine when entertaining guests. Only then did I understand that this elder was eating alone in a natural and decent way, completely ignoring the hungry child.

So dignified and stylish, like the eldest lady of a landlord's family. After drinking half a bottle of soda, the eldest lady's breathing returned to normal. She slowly handed the remaining half bottle of soda to me, with a calm expression, without saying a word. When I saw her drinking soda, I took it with a grievance, because I was too thirsty, and I had no money in my pocket to buy another bottle. I drank it in a gulp, but the anger in my heart was even greater: Daddy Miss, you really know how to bully people!

When I got home, I cried "wow" all afternoon, and complained to each family member in turn about how annoying and self-righteous the eldest lady is, and she actually snatched the way with my little friend, snatched soda drinks, like a landlord's house Miss, everyone has to revolve around her. Grandpa didn't coax me after hearing this, he laughed, patted my head and said: "Don't be angry, don't you know? She is really a real lady. The so-called eldest lady means that she doesn't have to work. She has more than a dozen maids since she was a child." waiting,

Delicious and delicious, what you want. "

After listening to what my grandfather said, I understand that the eldest lady is someone who orders others to work and lets others serve her without doing anything herself. Others can't walk in front of her, they have to follow behind; let alone eat and drink in front of her, they have to let her enjoy it first. At this time, a little inexplicable joy suddenly appeared in my young heart. In my numerous childhood memories, it was the first time I felt the superiority of class equality-superiority is superiority. On the street, I ran to the front whenever I wanted to. In the front, there is no need to obey the orders of the eldest lady to follow behind; if you are thirsty and want to drink soda first, drink the soda first, and you don't need to watch the eldest lady quench your thirst while your throat is full of smoke. However, a new problem reappeared. The old society has long been overturned. The eldest lady is good, so why do you still regard yourself as the eldest lady who is praised by everyone?

As I said just now, the eldest lady's expression is always serious, and she hardly smiles. Her face was beautiful, but it was always shrouded in sadness.

In my memory, she clearly laughed three times for the first time. I can't remember the way she smiled. When I grow up and understand the joys and sorrows of the young lady, I think of her smile, and I realize how narrow-minded I am. I only see the appearance and only think of myself. But never understood her feelings. Behind her weirdness and alienation, maybe there is a heavy pain of fate. I couldn't help but feel a little guilty, and even wanted to say sorry to the eldest lady, and wanted her to forgive my childish words.

If life can be restarted, I must solemnly say to the eldest lady: life is so hard, you should smile more; since life has engraved the appearance of each of us with annual rings, let our hands be weak To change, let's let go of our arms.

The second time was a distant relative. Sitting on the edge of the high kang, the eldest lady looked down at the old Shandong grandmother who was sitting crookedly on the low sofa opposite. She talked about how many gold and silver jewels she had at home when she was a child; When they came, the whole family fled and buried all the gold ingots under the osmanthus tree in front of their house; they talked about how valuable those ingots were, and how bright and bright the golden light shone. Then, the eldest lady smiled, with aftertaste and satisfaction written all over her face.

Standing aside, I didn't believe what she said, curled my lips and muttered: "It's really greedy for money."

The second time, my mother took me to deliver Mid-Autumn Festival food to the eldest lady. As soon as the door was opened, she was already guarding the door with a smile on her face. This is really the first time ever! You must know that any previous "meeting" she just used her eyes to order the little nanny to open the door, while she herself sat firmly on the edge of the kang, and when she saw the visitor, she raised her neck and asked slowly, "Are you here?"

This very rare waiting and smiling made our mother and son at a loss. The eldest lady didn't speak, and we were even more nervous. In the panic, no one noticed that the eldest lady had a new haircut. Instead of the bun coiled behind her head, she had short hair with ears in it, looking like an old version of Liu Hulan. Thinking back now, she was standing at the door so impatiently, she must have wanted us to praise her new hairstyle, at least a few polite compliments, but unexpectedly, we seemed to find nothing, He bowed his head and entered the room, causing her to be happy in vain. Still didn't say a word, she put away her smile, followed us into the room slowly, and then slowly sat back on the edge of the kang, and immediately restored her serious expression.

The last time, she was probably not in good health at that time, and my mother took her to my house to take care of her. She was leaning against the bedside cabinet, she no longer had a high-ranking posture, but covered her mouth with a handkerchief and coughed softly. On the big bed next to me, a few friends and I were wearing sheets, holding a flashlight and a big folding fan, and were holding a "Midsummer Summer Concert". Our group of demons danced wildly and hugged each other, singing loudly.

The eldest lady watched us perform and sing, and suddenly laughed.

She was very weak that day, but she laughed for a long time, and later even tried to raise her hands to applaud. Seeing her smile, I was at a loss again and stopped singing and dancing. Looking back, she actually had a pair of beautiful crescent-like eyes when she smiled. Now that I think about it carefully, she really has the aura that a "big lady" should have, even if she can't straighten her back anymore. How did fate treat her, making her so lonely, so isolated, so rare to even smile? I have a vague feeling that there must be many stories in the heart of the eldest lady that have never been told to others, about life experience, about the origin, about the realization and shattering of dreams, about the "separation and reunion" of individuals and times.

At that time, I gradually became curious about the eldest lady and wanted to get closer, but before I entered junior high school, the eldest lady passed away, and my search was in vain. In the past twenty years, I often chatted with my friends around me, but I never mentioned the eldest lady, and I can't remember the appearance of the eldest lady.

In 2015, during a business trip, I was going to investigate a natural village at the foot of Changbai Mountain. During the phone call with my grandfather, I learned that the small village is where the eldest lady lived most of her life, and my grandfather was also born there. I arranged for my grandpa to fly back to the northeast from the south and revisit the old place.

It was a beautiful village, with tall birch trees standing tall and white clouds swimming quietly in the sky. The sky is so high and clear, and the air exudes a simple atmosphere.

Grandpa looked at everything in front of him, and his eyes were red. He said that this land has left all the memories of the whole family from Shandong to Northeast, especially the young lady's. So, on that summer day, sitting in front of the two shingled houses where the eldest lady lived, my grandfather smoked the dry tobacco rolled for him by a fellow villager, and talked about the past of the eldest lady.

In 1925, the eldest lady was born in a rich family in Yimeng Mountain, Shandong Province. The eldest lady's grandfather is a well-known Chinese medicine doctor. There are hundreds of mansions in the family, a thousand acres of arable land, and nearly a hundred long-term maids. The young lady is the first child of the eldest son in the family. She was born handsome, with a clear and melodious voice, and she loves to laugh. Grandpa loves her very much. The whole family cherished her dearly, chased after her, and called her "Miss".

There are many rules in the big family. For example, the whole family has to wait until the head of the family has finished eating before eating at the table. The eldest lady was an exception. When she wanted to eat, she climbed on Grandpa's lap and tugged on Grandpa's horned beard, and Grandpa would feed her delicious food with a smile.

The future eldest lady can always remember the scene of sitting on grandpa's lap to eat over and over again, as if engraved in her heart clearly: the candlelight casts a warm shadow on the table, flickering, and the whole family waits outside the door and whispers Whispering, grandpa would secretly dip a drop of wine with his chopsticks for her to drink.

Grandpa also likes to put some small gold and silver objects into the hands of the young lady, but the young lady doesn't like it at all. She felt that it was troublesome to wear gold and silver, and it was not as good as sitting on the spacious platform of her house and listening to the music team play "Guanli Night". The eldest lady likes to hum along to the tune, her immature childish voice is pleasant to hear, and the smile on her pink-like face is charming.

In this way, the eldest lady learned a lot of songs, and she sang different songs every day. Relying on her grandpa's favor, the young lady has a somewhat arrogant temper. She doesn't like to listen to the private school teacher read, but only likes to sing songs. The husband shook his head, there was nothing he could do with her, the parents could only sigh and let her go.

Flash forward to 1937, the young lady was 12 years old. On New Year's Eve that year, there was a world of ice and snow, and the cold wind made people's bones ache, and there was a heavy rain. The father who regarded the young lady as a treasure fell into a sudden illness and died suddenly, leaving only orphans and widows. Poor women and children are bullied. The eldest lady's uncle's house and theirs have a boundary stone, and the uncle often secretly pushes the boundary stone farther in the middle of the night to occupy more territory. Although grandpa can't bear to watch his eyes once, he can't prevent his son from doing this all the time. Later, grandpa got seriously ill, and he was even more powerless to stop his uncle from bullying the eldest lady's family. The grandfather also passed away soon, and the uncle naturally became the head of the family. He treated his sister-in-law even colder and colder. a maid. The eldest lady's mother took her and her younger sister, and the situation is bleak. Because she couldn't pay her wages, the eldest lady's mother sent all the maids away, first selling the eldest lady's small gold and silver objects, and later selling her own jewelry. Life is only hard work.

The eldest lady is really innocent and innocent. She has never suffered from bound feet since she was a child, and she runs around playing everywhere, and she doesn't feel the hardships of the world at all. Celebrating New Year's Eve in the rain, she thought it was very interesting, no matter the rain was strong or the wind was strong, she would run to the yard to tread water, laughing and singing without listening to her mother's repeated calls, and not afraid of freezing her body. She didn't know that in that year, the Japanese were coming. She didn't know that many encounters and turning points, regrets and unwillingness in her later life all started from that year.

After the outbreak of the Anti-Japanese War, the Red Army came to Yimeng Mountain, calling on young people to join the army and go to the front line to fight devils. The Red Army Art Troupe performed and sang on the streets of the county for three days. The repertoire was not repeated, and the girls and boys were very energetic. This big battle attracted countless people from the mountains.

The eldest lady huddled in the turbulent crowd and listened for three days. On the fourth day, she left with the army without even thinking about it, and took her sister with her.

Many years later, the eldest lady once told my grandfather why she resolutely joined the army: The girls of the Red Army Art Troupe showed their faces, opened their mouths and sang, straightened their chests, raised their heads, and stretched out their arms to move forward towards the gunfire At that time, she felt a door opened in front of her eyes, and outside the door was a brand new world. In that world, you can sing freely, and your heart is also free, and you can fly to the sky with the singing, which makes people want to follow the singing all the time. Although those girls couldn't sing as well as she did, for the first time, the eldest lady felt that she should live like this, stepping out of the small courtyard, small village, and mountains to see what the outside world looks like. Her thought turned into a decision, she wanted to join the big army, sing along with the girls, to encourage her comrades-in-arms, and the "Land Reform" would succeed if she sang; Singing, all the devils can be driven out of the land of China.

The team marched from Shandong to Anhui. Once, the devils attacked at night, and the comrades resisted desperately, causing heavy casualties. After the war calmed down the next day, the eldest lady sat on the slope, and the comrades leaned weakly on the tree or lay on the ground, with gloomy and dull expressions. The eldest lady stood up and sang the folk song "Yimeng Mountain Minor" loudly:

Everyone said hey, Yimeng Mountain is great.

The mountain in Yimeng is so beautiful.

The green water in Qingshan, how beautiful it is.

The wind is blowing and the grass is low, see cattle and sheep.

Hearing the local accent, the comrades in arms in Shandong all shed tears. Tears washed away the thick dust on his face, leaving two small groove-like marks. I don't know if the eldest lady matured at that moment, she firmly believed that her life should be connected with singing, war and revolution. But I believe that there must be a huge power from the depths of her heart, even if everyone falls down, she will stand upright under the support of this power, singing songs to encourage her comrades to fight the devil Fight away and return home to Yimeng Mountain singing songs.

Unexpectedly, after half a month, the eldest lady really returned to Yimeng Mountain. The young sister couldn't survive the wind, food, camping and marching day and night, and got tuberculosis, so the eldest lady had to send her home. But she didn't expect that this departure would be forever. When she settled down her sister, told her mother, and wanted to return to the main army, the team had already left, and she couldn't get in touch with her comrades no matter what, and fell behind.

At that time, the Japanese devils had already besieged Shandong, and came to raid every now and then, killing civilians and raping women. As soon as there was news, the eldest lady's mother ran to the kitchen stove and grabbed two handfuls of ashes and smeared the faces of her two daughters to make them look like fools so that they would not be trampled. The devil's raids became more and more frequent, and my mother was single and weak, so the life of hiding in Tibet was really unbearable. She could only think of the latter solution, so she entrusted a matchmaker to marry the young lady off as soon as possible. In the turbulent years, even the matchmaker had never seen the groom, but he just walked into the groom's hut, touched the wall with his hands, and felt that it was smooth, so he knew it was from a decent family. When she came back, she said that the eldest lady's mother quickly agreed, that she would not be allowed to argue, and that she didn't have time to choose an auspicious day, let alone a dowry, and walked dozens of miles of mountain roads to send her to her husband's house with tears in her eyes.

Her fate changed drastically again, and she, who was ignorant of the world, was shut in again before she had time to take a good look at the world outside the door. She became the wife of a stranger and suddenly had a new home. After marriage, she soon gave birth to several children. She can't do the housework at all, but she has to face it. A lot of housework and daily necessities make her more and more upset. She and her husband never had much to talk about, and she was not that close to the children.

At the beginning, she didn't give up, she was eager to contact the big army one day, and follow the army to fight everywhere again. But the lack of news day after day soon made her understand that this time, she could never go back to the army, sing or fight. It was as if the last spark of life had been extinguished, and her face became more and more expressionless, and she seemed unable to smile in the end.

A few years later, the eldest lady followed her husband to seek refuge with her aunt's family who had "traveled through the Guandong" earlier, and also went to the Northeast. In the memory of my grandfather's life, no matter whether it was in Guanli Shandong or the cold Saibei, the eldest lady never sang a song again.

The eldest lady chose to be silent, or to resist silently, even if such resistance would hurt herself and make life more difficult. Every day, she didn't smile, and sat on the edge of the kang with a sad face, but she didn't change her eldest lady posture at all. She hated chopping wood, building fires, and cooking, and would do it if she could. She had never done farm work in her life, and her husband quarreled and even fought with her every day because of this, but she still sat stubbornly and silently. Her temperament is very strange, she hates living things like chickens, ducks, geese, dogs and cats, and has never raised one in her life. The courtyard of her house is always deserted, and there are no guests in the main room. Although she is not close to the children, she occasionally saves up delicious food for them, which makes the children a little scared and a little happy. She doesn't have much contact with her mother, but she often brings her younger sister to take care of her. She absolutely lacks the vulgarity of a peasant woman—she is a young lady, and her speech and demeanor are always different from those around her.

During the "Cultural Revolution", the eldest lady was in her forties and already had four children. The eldest lady was not affected at all, because her family's land was confiscated during the "land reform", and her identity was completely reduced to a poor peasant.

Speaking of this, grandpa is already in tears. Perhaps only he knew how much pain his mother, that fallen nobleman, the eldest lady who seemed out of tune with the whole era, had silently endured.

I can't help but sigh, the prosperous past, the past suffering, the eldest lady can't see a way out, can't get out of her own yard, and closes the door of her heart. She maintains the noble sense of dignity of the eldest lady, even if she spends her whole life in stubbornness and indifference, and is tortured by many regrets and unwillingness. The eldest lady's demeanor is such a painful persistence to herself, and such a direct and mixed-feeling rebellion against fate. She is so persistent, looking forward to her dream until the end of her life.

The young lady's later years should be a lively period after her years in the army.

At that time, she was sick in bed, and the whole family took turns to accompany her, peel fruit for her, and feed her canned food. At that time, I still hated her a little, so I reluctantly read a book of "Chinese Myths and Stories" to her. And she always looked at the sky, still not smiling.

Suddenly one day, she said she wanted a gold ring. My mother immediately went to the mall and bought her a gold ring and earrings. We put them on for her. Her expression seemed complicated, and she wanted to laugh but couldn't. She remained motionless, staring at the ring on her hand. When she was dying, her eyes were scattered, and after a lot of effort, a faint smile appeared on the corner of her mouth, and she said to us softly: "Look, how beautiful this 'gold watch' is." Maybe , she thought of Grandpa holding her in his arms again,

Give her lots of scenes of small objects of gold and silver. Does she think of her bitter fate again, she once had the opportunity to sing happily, crossed thousands of mountains and rivers for her ideals, and then tasted the regret and sadness for so many years helplessly. In that era, were there still many young ladies like her?

At this moment, I am standing in front of the courtyard where she once lived, looking at the high mountains in the distance. Years ago, did the eldest miss stand here and look into the distance, think of her comrades-in-arms, miss the lost lives, and want to sing those songs on the battlefield again? Maybe there was an occasional gunshot in the distance, and she would be startled, and she would step forward to watch anxiously, thinking that when her team came back, she would be able to continue her previous dream and live a hard and passionate revolutionary life.

Japanese writer Arai One Two Three said: "We seem to be able to control the fate of the times, but in the final analysis, we are all children of the times."

When I was a child, I didn’t taste the bitterness of life, so I didn’t like the young lady so much; now, I have tasted the sorrows of life, and only after watching the young lady’s life can I realize a young man’s "youth does not know the taste of sorrow, In order to write new words, I will express my sorrow." Life is bitter, and the bitterness in the heart is even more bitter. I am not yet qualified to say bitterness, and I also regret that I learned too late, that I did not treat her with the innocence of a child, get along well with her, and give her some love and laughter.

That young lady who always has to finish eating and drinking by herself before serving others, that young lady who wants others to praise her for her good hair, who is serious all day long but suddenly laughs when she hears a few children singing wildly, you are in another World, has your revolutionary team caught up? Are you standing on the slope of the mountain again, singing "Yimeng Mountain Minor"? Did you choose the way ahead and the distance by yourself, and then live the life you want to live with a smile on your face?

That night, I had a dream. In the dream, the eldest lady had a beautiful face. Although there was a hint of arrogance and sadness in the corners of her eyes, she was singing very enthusiastically and loudly.

Miss, my grandfather's mother, according to the custom of Northeast China, I should call her "Tai Nai".